Rotations

Written March 2, 2014

On Monday we finally found out where Mark's rotations will be for the fourth year.  Luckily, we have been so distracted by missing each other and the pregnancy that we hadn't really been thinking about this for weeks.  I just felt calm about it - that whatever happened it would be for the best.

And things did work out.  Not how we imagined it going but it still works.

All of our rotations are going to be in Colorado.  Minus the rural one in Grand Junction (close to the border between Colorado and Utah) they are all within about 30 to 40 minutes from where we are living right now.  How perfect is that?

It was kind of a strange thing when Mark and I were talking on the phone about it when he found out.  It was strange because it was so calm.  There was so much anxiety and nerves the last couple months about these rotations and the unknown of this upcoming year and how it would impact our family but in the end it just made sense.  Again, not in the way we were necessarily expecting, but it still worked.  Which, after all, is all we were praying for.

What was unexpected about this was that we were hoping, planning, and expecting to do two of those rotations in Utah.  And we weren't really given much if any information as to why it didn't work out but we are both really okay about it.  We just feel like things must have worked out how they were supposed to and that's good enough for us.

Again, we just feel so blessed to finally know what this upcoming year has in store for us (at least in the whole "school" department!). 

Detached

Written February 23, 2014:

This has been an interesting week.  It has been a week of highs and lows.  There were a couple days this week that were the worst the pregnancy has been and days when I actually felt like I could do some thing somewhat productive.  At this point, I just take what I can get and am grateful. 

Earlier this week though (during one of my bad days) a word came to my mind that described how I was feeling - detached.  I just felt disconnected from everything and everyone.  It's not particularly that great of a feeling. 

But as hard as this whole experience is at times, there are some tender moments as well.  I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who acts as my counselor during these times.  I feel like every morning and night (and periodically throughout the day) I just vent out all of the feelings I am feeling (both good and bad) and I get a measure of comfort in return.

I cannot even begin to express how amazing my parents have been in all of this.  They are both sick today and I worry because I am sure we have been wearing them down.  But I am so grateful for their service and compassion that they have shown us the last couple of weeks.  It would have been much more difficult without them. 

The MOST exciting part of all of this is that THIS Saturday we are going back to Denver.  I can't wait.  Maybe it was a naïve thought, but I truly never thought that Mark and I would be apart for this long of a period of time.  It's only been two and a half weeks but it feels so much longer.  I cannot wait for our family to be reunited and hopefully get back to some measure of normalcy. 

So here's to feeling more connected with the world and the people around me.  WOOT WOOT!

Valentine's Day

Written February 15, 2014:

This was a hard day.  It has been so incredibly difficult to be away from Mark.  I hate having my family divided.  I really hate it.  I miss our family life.  My parents have been very kind.  They have taken care of both Jacob and I and we are so grateful.  But it's still been hard.

We never have made too big of a deal out of Valentine's Day but you still want to be together on that day.  And it was hard to be separated.  I was pleasantly surprised when in the afternoon I got a delivery of roses from Mark.  It was definitely unexpected and it meant a lot.

Jacob and I made Mark some Valentine's Day cards earlier in the week.  It was fun to talk to each other Valentine's Day night.

I love Mark and our little family so much.  I can't wait to be together again.

First Picture

Written February 15, 2014

On February 6, I had my first prenatal appointment.  I loved how more relaxed I was during this appointment than I was during my first visit last time.  It was nice knowing what to expect and being a little more relaxed.  Everything appears normal which, of course, is exactly what we wanted to hear.  I wasn't sure if we would get to see our little one at this visit (because this appointment was almost three weeks earlier than I was with Jacob at my first appointment) but we did!  It was just a vaginal ultrasound and we couldn't really see much of anything but there is only one in there and there heartbeat sounded good!

My doctor was also able to prescribe me some medication to help me with how I feel.  It was a huge comfort to know that there was some relief for me.

We are excited to have our little munchkin continue to grow.  We love them so much already.

You Can Do This

Written February 2, 2014

This has been a week that I am happy to be done with.  This week my body definitely took a turn for the worst.

Things had been going okay, not great, but bearable.  Then Tuesday I just went downhill.  The throwing up started and I was just miserable.  I became really emotional.  In many ways things have just been harder this time.  In many ways it's been great having Jacob here.  He just warms my heart and puts a smile on my face.  But it is also difficult when Jacob starts crying and I then start crying and life just gets hard.

I became discouraged faster this time than before.  I think it's because I knew what I was in for.  And just knowing that this was going to be my life not for days or even weeks but for months was a really discouraging thought.

The timing of this week was just also really bad.  Mark got a really great opportunity with school.  He had signed up for this competition and his team received third place.  The top three teams were then selected to go and compete in front of a lot of really important people at the school and in the community.  The presentation was Friday afternoon.  So there was a lot of preparation involved.  He was gone a lot.  It was difficult for all of us.  Mark felt bad leaving Jacob and I every day.  And it was hard for me when I needed help so badly.

It was a difficult week.

Finally, I found something magical.  I mean really magical.  Last pregnancy when I had to go to the hospital they prescribed me some nausea medication that I was able to take the rest of my pregnancy.  They were so helpful.  They weren't given to me until I was about seventeen weeks pregnant anyway so the worst was behind me but they were still so helpful.  I had kept the prescription bottle and there were six pills left.

By Thursday I just needed the help.  I needed some relief.  So I took one.  And it was amazing.  I was astounded by how much better I felt.  I was no longer throwing up and even though the nausea was still there and I really couldn't do much of anything, it dulled it enough to make things bearable.  I couldn't believe how much it changed my outlook on things.  All of a sudden I was filled with hope that things could be okay.  It was an amazing feeling.

The only problem is that I only have six pills.  So I knew I had to make it last until my doctor's appointment which is Thursday.  I've only been allowing myself to take one pill a day but even that has helped so much.  It has made things so much more bearable.  I don't know what I will do when I run out but at least I know relief exists.  That thought alone brings me a lot of comfort.

Before I discovered the magic of my pills I had called up my Mom asking for help.  I just needed someone else out here to help me.  It was just too much for me to handle and Mark.  And I felt horrible for Jacob.  It broke my heart that I couldn't pick him up and snuggle him.

My Mom and Dad asked me if I would like to come and stay with them for awhile with Jacob.  That was Mark could focus on school and we would be taken care of.  The thought of being away from Mark was a long period of time made me incredibly sad.  But it wasn't fair for me to ask my Mom to stay here with us when all we have to offer is a blow-up mattress in the middle of our living room.

So my Mom is coming out today to stay with us until my doctor's appointment and then Jacob and I will go back with her to Draper until I get feeling better.  It will be difficult.  We knew this would be difficult.  But it's still hard for our little family.  It's hard to think of this as our reality every time we want to have a child.  But I also am very aware that everyone has trials and that I think almost everyone has struggles one way or another with growing their families.  Whether it's getting pregnant, the pregnancy itself, or after the pregnancy.  We all have our trials and pregnancy just happens to be mine.

Of course, we can't wait to see our little one.  I feel blessed that I am able to have children.  I hope that this week at my doctor appointment we will catch our first glimpse of our little one.  I can't wait!!!

Transition

Written January 26, 2014

This has definitely been a week of transition for our little family.  Mark began his new semester of school on Tuesday.  It is pretty exciting!  This is the last first day of classes (we hope) EVER!!!  That doesn't even seem possible but we will definitely take it!

Unfortunately, for me, ever since Monday things kind of went downhill.  I feel glued to the couch and bed.  I have been lucky in that I feel like I can kind of function still.  And by that I mean that I am not running to the bathroom constantly.  I am constantly nauseous, uncomfortable, extremely sore, and weak feeling and really can't do anything.  But the absence of throwing up has made a huge difference.  Just being able to at least lay on the couch and have Jacob bring books and stand next to me while I read them to him makes me happy.

And Jacob has been an absolute ANGEL!  Really.  I don't know if I can ever explain the anxiety that I feel about pregnancy and how it effects my boys.  Pregnancy for me means change for the whole family.  I become not only someone that can't help and do the things that I feel need to be done, but I am someone that NEEDS help.  I can't really take care of myself.  So this all then falls on Mark's shoulders.  I cannot even tell you my love for that man.  Every night this week he has already been up till 2 or later trying to stay caught up on his classes, he gets up and changes Jacob and gets ALL of us breakfast, goes to school, hurries home and cleans up the house, makes dinner, cleans the kitchen, does bath and bedtime, laundry, the list goes on and on.  He does this all with an amount of patience and kindness that leaves me in awe.  He is such an amazing man.

Jacob has just taken things and gone with it.  He is such a trooper.  He is so good about just lifting my spirits and being an all-around happy and helpful little boy.   

How did I get so lucky? 

This week has been hard and definitely a week of transition.  But we are making it.

If things continue to go as they are I will be ecstatic because I know they could be so worse.  My life is consumed with snacking.  I hate it.  I hate forcing myself to eat something every two to three hours so my stomach never gets empty.  But that seems to keep the nausea under control a little.  Mornings are the worst.  I feel like I am just a complete sloth.  My legs shake when I stand up and the room just spins and spins.  I don't know how hard to push myself.  I don't want to risk pushing myself too far and then getting to where things were before when I was pregnant with Jacob.  That is the goal right now.  Our cautiously optimistic goal - to just maintain where things are right now.

This little peanut is six week now.  I can't believe we are only at six weeks!  I am just trying to focus on the weeks at hand, sometimes just the days.  I hope that time will move fast!  And I know, even though things are hard, that we will survive this time of transition. 

Our Little One

Written January 9, 2014

Today, Mark and I found out that we are expecting our second child!  I can't believe it.  Writing it for the first time doesn't even seem real.  I am positive it has not hit me yet.  Last night I was having all sorts of dreams about pregnancy and I woke up and just HAD to know.  We were planning on waiting a couple more days to find out but I couldn't wait.

I'll tell you what, going in to take the test is filled with so many emotions.  I just prayed right there on the bathroom floor that if it was a no, that I would be filled with a measure of peace and comfort and know that everything was in the hands of the Lord.  And if it was a yes, that it would be a happy moment.  That I wouldn't be filled with anxiety or dread for how the next eight months of my life would be but that I would think how blessed I was that our family was going to be growing.

When I saw that yes, I was ecstatic.

This pregnancy is a huge leap of faith.  That's what it feels like to both Mark and I.  We both wanted to have another baby...but we were scared.  I think we are both a little scared still - maybe nervous is a better word.  There is so much uncertainty.  I feel like I talk about this so much, but we are so nervous about Mark's rotations this year.  We don't know where we will be come September when the baby will arrive.  Our finances are low.  We are on a very tight budget and a baby is expensive.  We were both nervous about my pregnancy.  If it was like with Jacob, how would I take care of Jacob when I really can't even take care of myself?  So much uncertainty.  We were praying and praying and the crazy thing was that we didn't really get any concrete answers about how things were going to go.  All I felt was that it was going to work out.  I didn't know how I just knew that it would.  And the truth we kind of realized was that our life for the next few years is filled with uncertainty.  Even once Mark finishes school we could do a residency or immediately go into work.  Who knows!  And we just didn't feel like we should wait for everything to necessarily align up to continue to grow our little family.  So a leap of faith we have taken.

It still doesn't seem real.  I keep trying to remind myself that this is really happening.

We are thrilled though.  Really we can't stop smiling today.

I can't wait to be able to feel a little one growing inside me again.  I can't wait to see ultrasounds and imagine what they will look like.  I can't wait to find out if we are having a boy or a girl.  I can't wait to hold another precious little child in my arms and know that they are mine forever.  I can't wait to see Jacob as a big brother.  I can't wait to be a family of four.

We can't wait for you to come little one.  We love you already.