Blessed Are the Peacemakers

This last week I was preparing my Primary lesson and it was entitled "Blessed Are the Peacemakers".  It's been something that hasn't left my mind.  It was a lesson that I needed to hear and internalize.

My life lately has felt anything but peaceful.  I kind of feel like I am one giant stress ball just trying to keep going most of the time.  The thing that maybe makes me most sad about that, is that I feel like in a lot of ways its been that way for a long time.  When we moved up here we felt like it was the start of a new chapter (which it was!) but also that maybe we were going to be entering a "coasting phase".  I know that life is full of ups and downs and that is how we learn and grow but I think I was at the point where I felt like the Lord had been trying to teach me a lot through some difficult experiences and that maybe I "deserved" a period of coasting.  

Of course, that logic is just silly in a lot of ways.  I found myself almost telling the Lord that I not only needed a break but that I had earned one for making it through some of the stuff we had gone through.  This isn't how the Lord works and if anything seemed to communicate to our Father in Heaven how much I still needed to learn.  

So instead of my season of "coasting", Mark began a job that he wasn't very happy in, in a place two and half hours from our home and I became a single parent again with him gone.  It was difficult.  We were adjusting to a new phase of life and we were having to do it split apart as a family.  I spent way too many nights crying when the house was quiet and I felt alone wondering why the Lord seemed to be giving me so many experiences of feeling alone.  

This isn't the first time I have wrestled with these feelings.  I hate the feeling of loneliness.  But every time I go through these periods of loneliness I slowly (you would think I would come to it quicker given how many times I've wrestled with it) come to realization that it is my loving Heavenly Father urging me to turn to Him more.  That He isn't creating these feelings of loneliness, that I am creating them myself.  

Our family has had a rough go the last year or two.  And I feel bad saying that because I know so many others go through so much worse, but it doesn't make it less hard for our situation.  I have had many people ask me how I do it and I am grateful for their sympathy but at the same time I am a firm believer that my hardships and my problems are not any harder than anyone else's - it doesn't mean that mine aren't hard but just that everyone is going through hard things.  And even though lots of our frustrations over the last little while have been noticeable to others - I know many others are going through things on their own and need help just as much as I do.  

I have noticed a change within myself over the last year or so that I am not at all happy about.  I feel like I am a harder person.  I question things and people more.  I guess some would say that maybe I've just stopped being as naive about the world.  But you know what, I really enjoyed feeling like things were good in the world!  I have found that I am a lot more hesitate to trust that things will work out and I don't like that.  It's not who I want to be and not who I think the Lord wants me to be.  

With all of that going on, it isn't a surprise to me that reading through my Primary lesson one afternoon last week I was so struck by what I was reading.  Being a giant bundle of stress, combined with wrestling with my own personal demons, I struggle also with the feeling of failing as a mother.  It's something I know Satan works hard to hurt me on - and too often I let him win.  But there are definitely days where I feel like I am anything BUT a peacemaker in the home.  There are times when I overreact and am impatient.  Some days I feel like I am fighting some battle within myself that I can never win.  

The lesson explained that "a peacemaker is someone who helps others be happy instead of angry.  Peace means calmness and happiness, so a peacemaker makes a home a calm and happy place to be."  

When I read that, I immediately started crying because I knew that I was not being that for my family recently.  And my patriarchal blessing came to my mind where I am told that I am a peacemaker for my family and I felt like I was not fulfilling one of my roles here on earth.  But the wonderful thing about this moment, even though it was emotional, was that I came to this realization in a way that didn't make me feel so much guilty (even though there was a little of that) but mostly just gave me enlightenment.  I felt like it was Heavenly Father kindly reminding me of something that was within myself that would not only make my family happier, but also me.  

I was hesitate sitting down and writing all of these feelings.  But I decided to for one reason.  I create books out of this blog every year and love looking back on them.  They are both scrapbook as well as journal for me.  And even though there are aspects of this time of life that I would like to forget (like a lot of the negativity about this post) it is also real life for me.  And I shouldn't forget this time and these feelings because it helps mold me and helps me grow.  And, also, should Sarah (or any of my other children) read this in twenty-five years and be wrestling with these same emotions I want them to know that they're not alone.  That life isn't always picture perfect like some "posts" lead it to believe.  We definitely need those times but that's not all life is made up of.  So that's why I decided to write this post.  

I hope that I can rediscover who I am - I felt like I have lost a little bit of that along that way.  Rediscover it and learn and move on.  I hope I can be that peacemaker for myself, for my family and hopefully share that part of me in other aspects of my life.